I struggled with the idea of whether I should write this post, but I decided it best since it is about what has kept me from continuing my food blogging journey.
For most of you who are friends with me on Facebook you already know my story and, hopefully, have gained encouragement from and insight into the life of those who suffer from anxiety and depression. For those who randomly find this page, maybe this is what you needed to read right at this time in your life. And, I hope and pray that it changes your life for the better.
Above is a picture of me snuggling with my fur baby, Charlie. I look happy in this picture, don’t I? This was taken a year ago, October.
To be honest, I wasn’t happy. I suffered from severe anxiety and un-level hormones that caused me to delve into depression~ I found it hard to be happy about anything, I was constantly angry with myself for not being able to “handle” whatever was going on within me; on a daily basis I sobbed uncontrollably for no reason and would punch the wall out of frustration; I was exhausted, I slept more than I was awake. I felt on edge and foggy at the same time. I couldn’t complete a thought or complete a task. Unknown at the time to me, these were all signs of depression and anxiety.
My doctor put me on medicine- medicine that was good for depression, but horrible with anxiety. So, my depression went deeper and my anxiety got worse. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but death was always on my mind. I was so terrified of growing old that my stomach would be in knots and my body shook from the thought of aging. But, on the other hand, my thought processes would often take me to the idea that aging and death might be a relief from what I was going through. I continually spent my days prostrated on the floor begging God to pull me out of the pit that I was in. I couldn’t climb out and if I tried I felt a tugging that would pull me back in. After two weeks of being on the medicine I knew it wasn’t right for me. I felt worse than I did before. But my doctor didn’t want to see me until I was in a “steady” state. And, after hearing this from him I knew he wasn’t the right doctor for me either. As my husband and I researched both medicines and doctors I continued to stay on the floor prostrated daily, keeping a diary of my thought processes, Bible verses, and lists of what I was thankful for, hoping above all hope that reading these things would keep me from delving deeper.
After all our research I booked an appointment with a new doctor. He wanted to try a different medicine, one that worked for both anxiety and depression and one that helped regulate my hormones. Anti-depressants are touchy, there are many that don’t work with your brain, and there’s some that do. It’s a trial and error process. But, it’s a process that your doctor is supposed to monitor very closely- and this doctor did. He called me every day to ensure that I was doing okay. Within days of being on the new medicines we saw a tremendous difference. Within months I had energy, I felt level and determined to get my daily tasks accomplished. I stopped crying, I had normal sleep patterns, and I didn’t lay prostrate on the floor anymore. I was content with who I was, content with where I was, and I loved life.
It’s been almost one year since starting the new medicine. I am myself. And I couldn’t be happier or more satisfied with where I am. I cannot tell you how much God has held me during this whole process. There wasn’t a moment where I didn’t feel Him in the stillness. I would have never gotten where I am today without His faithfulness to me, His child. He gave me a family and husband who supported and rallied for me. He gave me friends who came at the time I needed them most to hold my hand while I beat the wall out of frustration~ for them I am eternally grateful. And, He gave me sisters who would lend a listening ear as I cried uncontrollably over the phone.
“I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.” –Bethel Music
It took me a long time to understand and to believe that all of this was not of my own weakness, but that it was happening because my brain simply was missing what it needed to function properly. A number of things can cause your brain to do this: hormones, stress, family history, or a mix of all of it, etc. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You have a God, a friend, a family member, and ME who loves you and wants the best for you. It may be very difficult, but advocate for yourself. If you see others struggling, reach out and be their advocate. Research and ask the hard questions. Most of all TALK to each other. Don’t be afraid to be open about what you’re experiencing or afraid to ask what others are experiencing. You or they may have a smile on their face, but they may be hiding what they are suffering from. BE INVOLVED in your communities and with each other. The only way to beat depression, anxiety, and suicide is to be involved, ask questions, and know each other. Be the kindness someone needs just in that moment.
If you are feeling of harming yourself, or even have thoughts of death, call NOW-
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 OR text the word BRAVE to 741-741
OR Military Helpline 1-888-457-4838 OR text the word MIL1 to 839863
You are not alone and there is someone out there that cares for you and who loves you!
Thank you for reading, share if you like, and START THE CONVERSATION.
Love and many blessings to you this Holiday Season~
Rest in God’s promises. He will pull you through. He is refining you through fire. I certainly would not be the person I am today if He did not allow me to go through what I did. Feel His Grace and His love wash over you as He wraps you in His arms and holds you through these difficult times.
“In that day He will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the LORD will be your treasure.” Isaiah 33:6